I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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