Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
