The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
