my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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