the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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