Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So vagazzling was a success
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
