I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
