All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Let's get the cat blown out
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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