i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
