I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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