Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
