he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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