If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
