I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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