I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
