It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
