hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
