we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
