morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
