They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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