I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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