I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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