so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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