If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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