Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize