FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
3pm strippers are depressing
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
