i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
