i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
