And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I need help removing her.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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