My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
