Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
