I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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