Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
