i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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