Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
