and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
