while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
