my vag is so smooth its legendary
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
And then he peed in my hair
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