Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
