I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
