I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize