Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
