ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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