It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
