just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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