I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
