You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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