Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I could make wine with my vomit
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
