i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
