dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
