Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
