Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
