what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
