Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
