I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you would pick up someone in the library
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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