i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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