I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
