I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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