He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My dick has a subreddit
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
