Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
