i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If I had your ass I would rule the world
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize