Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
