peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
