covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
